90 percent rule

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The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters by Priya Parker

"World Economic Forum" Davos, 90 percent rule, Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, Edward Snowden, game design, In Cold Blood by Truman Capote, Khan Academy, Ronald Reagan, Saturday Night Live, Silicon Valley, Snapchat, TED Talk

For Barrett, the moment he received the key in the envelope, his journey into the gathering had begun. And from that moment onward, his friends knew that they were hosting Barrett all the way to the actual gathering. And that how they hosted him would shape how he showed up to the gathering. The 90 percent rule A colleague in the conflict-resolution field taught me a principle I have never forgotten: 90 percent of what makes a gathering successful is put in place beforehand. Randa Slim is the director of the Initiative for Track II Dialogues at the Middle East Institute in Washington, D.C. Raised amid the traumas of the Lebanese civil war, she emigrated to the United States to pursue a Ph.D. in social psychology from the University of North Carolina at Charlotte.

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., III, 134 Calabrese, Alex, 4, 6–7 Camino de Santiago (France and Spain), 57 Campbell, Robert Chodo, 251, 153 Canada, 202 Capote, Truman, 91–92 Carroll, Lewis, 165 Carter, Jimmy, 63 Catholic Church, 229 Catholic Youth Ministry Hub, 112 Cecchini, Dario, 179–80, 186, 256 Central Park (New York), 135 CEOs, 18, 36, 51, 54, 84, 89, 132, 198 Ce Soir Noir, 129 Change Agents Now (CAN), 208–10, 218 Charleston (South Carolina), 260 Château des Mesnuls, 59–61 Château Principle, 58–62 Chatham House Rule, 198 Chesterfield, Earl of, 118 China, 98 Christians, xiii, 118 evangelical, xii Christmas parties, 114, 152–53 Chumbivilcas Province (Peru), 235 Churchill, Winston, 54 Circle of Friends, 268–70 Cirque du Soleil, 152 Citigroup, 59 Cleveland Institute of Music, 46 Clinton, Bill, 260 Clinton, Hillary, 63, 260 Clooney, George, 63 Closings, 116, 173, 205–6, 221, 245–81 connecting during, 259–62 dynamics of, 267–70 last call method of, 254–56 logistics as problem in, 246–48, 270–73 priming for, 250–54, 258 purpose recalled in, 28, 275–77 reentry phase of, 262–67 of rituals, 10, 185 rules for, 127, 131, 223, 235–36 significance of, 248–50 timing of, 256–58 CNN, 85 cognitive progressing restraints, 173 Cohen, Leonard, 201 Colombia, 278 Colorado, 113 Color Games reentry process, 264–65 Community building, xii, 159, 169, 242, 264, 270 Community Table, 159 Conferences, ix, x, xiv, 11, 52, 142, 172, 203, 220 closing sessions of, 245–48, 255, 259–60, 268 Fifteen Toasts dinners on sidelines of, 220–21 opening of, 174, 175, 184, 187–89 Opportunity Collaboration, 89–91 panels at, 228 priming for, 94, 161–62, 194–201 purposes of, 17–19 rules for, 81–82, 99–100, 112 social contract of, 156–57 Conflict, 52, 83, 117, 213, 258, 262–63 aversion to, 72 group dialogues to resolve, 149–50 racial, 48–49 over social contracts, 155–56 See also Controversy Conflict resolution professionals, xi, xii, 263 Connecting, 3, 22, 29–30, 32–33, 37, 42–43 authenticity in, 195, 203, 206–7, 209–11, 222 authority and, 92–99 in closings, 253, 259–62, 277, 279 through controversy, 225, 233, 239 failed, x–xi, 2, 103, 105, 108–9, 112 inclusion versus exclusion and, 42–43, 48, 53, 56, 64 openings encouraging, 174, 183–90 priming for, 155, 159–60 in temporary alternative worlds, 122–31, 143–44 Contention, see Controversy Controversy, 43–45, 143, 168, 225–44 avoidance of, 226–29, 233 benefits versus risks of, 243–44 ground rules for, 236–43 purpose and, 40, 229–33 structures for generating, 233–36 See also Conflict “Conversation Menu” (Zeldin), 217 Cooke, Ed, 67 CraftJam, 95 Creativity, xiv, 108, 113, 125, 140, 151, 187, 191, 274 Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, 200 Cunningham, Amy, 277, 279 Dance parties, 69, 116, 135, 151–52, 161, 257, 273 Daoists, 138 Davis, Deborah, 91 Davos (Switzerland), 194 Daybreaker, 273–74 Dean, Will, 182–83 Decision making, 1, 4, 19–20, 24, 25, 49, 59, 82 in closings, 257–58 group, 231–32, 238 impediments to, 80, 132, 143–44 purpose and, 31–32, 34, 49, 90, 111, 145 stories about, 209, 212 Democratic Party, 171 Denmark, 202 Departure, see Endings Detroit, 161, 270 Dialogues, xi–xii, 102, 149 racial, 48–49 Digital workbooks, 154–55, 238 Dîner en Blanc, 122–31 Dinner parties, ix, 8, 52, 62, 100–101, 123, 146, 188 etiquette at, 88–89, 117, 121 flash mob, 122–31 last calls at, 255–56 purpose of, 27–29, 31, 275 social contracts for, 156 toasts at, 198–201 venues for, 62, 69, 71–72, 79 Diplomacy, 48, 88, 149–51 Directors Guild of America, 176–77 Disagreement, see Controversy Diversity, 45–51, 119, 129, 260 Dolnick, Sam, 13 Doorways, 164, 168, 169 DoSomething.org, 234 Dunbar, Robin, 53 Dunne, Griffin, 184 Duplass, Jay, 184 Düsseldorf, 125 Egypt, 95, 97, 262 Elizabeth II, Queen of England, 256 Ellison, Koshin Paley, 251–54 Embodiment, 22, 55–58, 61, 68, 176, 190–91, 235, 276 Endings, see Closings England, 226 “Enter Sandman” (Metallica), 264 Etiquette, x, 114, 116–21 rules versus, 125–28, 131–33 Etiquette (Post), 226 Evangelical Christians, xii Event planners, x, xi, xiv, 68, 244 Evite, 112 Exclusion, 36–49, 85, 114, 120, 161 diversity activated by, 45–49 kindness of, 36–40 Facebook, 127–28, 132, 137 Facilitators, xi, 43, 50–52, 54, 146, 172 methods of, 197, 223–24, 247 rules of, 143, 240 venues beneficial for, 57, 62 Family reunions, ix, 45, 215, 245, 267 Fermor, Patrick Leigh, 62 15 Toasts format, 202–5, 211–13, 215–18, 220–21, 224, 239 Fight Club (movie), 235 Fit, 11, 16, 18, 42, 160 Flash mob dinner parties, see Dîner en Blanc “For a New Beginning” (O’Donohue), 276 Four Seasons, 178 France, 35–36, 57, 59–61, 122, 126, 216 Freemasons, 226, 228 French Polynesia, 122 “Friendsgiving,” 234 Frick, Patrick, 54 Funerals, ix, xiv, 2, 157, 173–75, 251–52, 277, 279 Gaddafi, Muammar, 63 Garden City (Kansas), 91 Gastonia (North Carolina), 115 Gays, see LGBT people Gelles, Alison, 261 Generous authority, 81–100, 136–38 commitment to, 97–99 connection process in, 92–97 equalization through, 87–92, 96 protection of guests with, 83–87, 95–96 rules for, 99–100 George, Bill, 208–9 George Washington University School of Business, 276–77 Gergen, David, 85–86 Germany, 41, 95, 97, 121, 125, 214 Giessen (Germany), 41 Glassdoor, 227 Golden Gate National Parks Conservancy, 67–68 Golden Retriever Festival, 31 Goldman, Jesse, 272 Google, 132–33, 137 Government officials, xii, 72, 149–50, 161 Graham, Katharine, 91 Grand Paradise, The (Third Rail Projects), 164 Greece, 62 ancient, 116–17 Green, Duncan, x Green, George Dawes, 210–12 Greenberger, Rachel, 159 Greeting, see Welcoming Group dialogues, xi, xii, 40 Guardian, x Guggenheim Museum, 166 Haiti, 125 Hamburg (Germany), 121 “Happy Hour,” 160 Harris, Shane, 129–30 Harris, Tristan, 132–33 Harvard University Business School, 208 Kennedy School, 75, 207–8 Heat, see Controversy Heiferman, Scott, 18 Heifetz, Ronald, 75–76, 81 Hill, Thomas Edie, 226 Hilton Head (South Carolina), 260 Hinduism, xii, 10, 21 Hjelm, Christina, 184–85 Hollywood Hills, 57 Hollywood Reporter, The, 184 Holtrop, Bernardus, 222–23 Honesty, see Authenticity House of Genius, 113, 121, 203–4 Housekeeping, see Logistics How to Plan a Great Event in 60 Days (Isip), 147 How We Gather (Thurston and ter Kuile), x Huffington, Arianna, 168 “I Am Here” days, 133–39, 159 Identity, 9, 18, 38, 120, 216, 237–38, 267 group, 11, 33, 246, 264–65 transformative, 9, 268 “If These Were My Last Remarks” closing session, 261–63 Illinois, 89 I Love Dick (television series), 183, 184 Immersive theater, 148, 164–65 Impact Hub Los Angeles, 86–87 Inclusion, 50, 85, 137, 140, 206 excessive, 36, 38, 48 In Cold Blood (Capote), 91 India, xi, xii, 10, 217–20, 262 Tamil tribes in, 118 Influencer Salon, 112–13 Initiative for Track II Dialogues, 149 Instagram, 139 International Monetary Fund, 227 Internet, 111–12 Invitations, xi, 29–30, 34, 88, 103, 116–17, 156, 248, 260 authenticity and, 188–89, 195–96, 203–4, 220–22 to campus speakers, controversies about, 227–28 equalization and, 88–92 for forging connections, 92–94 inclusive versus exclusive, 35–53 openings and, 166–68, 171 priming role of, 152, 155, 157–63 to rule-based events, 112–14, 123–28, 135–37, 216–17 venue considerations for, 53–69 Iowa, xi, 117 Iran, 63 Ishihara, Kumi, 125–28, 130–31 Isip, Rashelle, 147 Islam, xii, 150 Israel, 262, 267 Istanbul, 18 Italy, 179 Ixtapa (Mexico), 89 Jaipur, maharani of, 91 Jamaica, 125, 275–76 Japan Dîner en Blanc in, 125–31 tea ceremonies in, xiv, 19, 168 Jefferson, Thomas, 88 Jeffersonian Dinner, 113, 121 Jesus, 51 Jews, 49, 118, 138 See also Judaism Johns Hopkins Hospital, 187 Jones, John, 47 Jordan, 262 Judaism, xiii, 19, 279 Judson Manor, 46–48 Jungian psychology, 214–15 Junior Cotillions, 114–16, 118–20 National League of, 115, 119 Kalamata (Greece), 62 Kansas, 91 Kenya, 186 Kigali, 122 Kindles, 160–61 Kingston, 122 Kyoto (Japan), 19 Lader, Philip and Linda, 260 Lagarde, Christine, 227 Landecker, Amy, 184, 185 Laprise, Michel, 152–53 Las Vegas, 140 Latinos, 129 Latitude Society, 143 Launching process, see Openings Laudicina, Paul, 143–44 Law of Two Feet, 142–43 Lazarus, Lisa, 208–10 Leadership, 12–14, 32, 36, 75–76, 195, 208 League, Tim, 84 Lebanon, civil war in, 149 Leberecht, Tim, 196, 198, 213 Levit, Igor, 166 Levy, Clifford, 15–16 Lewin, Leslie, 263 LGBT people, 18, 40, 49, 100, 129, 237 Libya, 64 “Life as Seeds” closing event, 265–66 Lim, Leng, 224 Lincolnton (North Carolina), 115 LinkedIn, 272 Locations, see Venues Logistics, x–xi, 9, 53, 79, 146–47 in openings and closings, 173–78, 245–46, 270–73 London, 18, 125, 147, 216–17 Los Angeles, 57, 66, 86–87 Louis XIII, King of France, 60 Lucas, George, 176–77 Lucent, 59–61 Lyall, Sarah, 161 Lysette, Trace, 184 Mac, Billy, 68–69 Macbeth (Shakespeare), 148 Macy’s department store, 273 Maine, 262 Marx, Groucho, 180 Massachusetts, 159 Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) Media Lab, 81 Massey, Alana, 73–74 Massey, Kyle, 12 Mecca, 53 Medici, Daisy, 82 Meeteor app, 24 Meetup, 17–18 Melville, Herman, 178 Merkel, Angela, 63 Merry, Anthony, 88 Metallica, 264 Mexico, 89–90 Microsoft, 175 Middlebury College, 228 Middle East Institute, 149 Million Man March, 53 Minneapolis, 246 Moby-Dick (Melville), 178 Modesty, 27–29, 61 Monterey (California), 81 Moth, The, 210–12 Mugabe, Robert, 63 Multitasking, 27–28 Murray, Charles, 228 Museum of the City of New York, 134 Museum of Modern Art (MoMA; New York), 55–57, 165 Muslims, xiii, 167 Muyanga, Neo, 172–73, 248–49 Ndevana, Tshilidzi, 235 Negroponte, Nicholas, 81–82 Netherlands, 35, 47 Networking, 2–4, 12, 51, 142, 156, 195–96, 203, 206 New Age, xii New Jersey, 59, 61, 181 New Orleans, 113, 128, 273 New Year’s Eve, 260, 278 New York City, xiii, 64, 73, 91, 94, 95, 117, 148, 159, 164, 214, 273, 277 Dîner en Blanc in, 124, 125, 129 15 Toasts dinners in, 215–16 House of Genius gatherings in, 203–7 “I Am Here” days in, 133–39, 159 immersive theater in, 148, 164, 169 museums in, 55–57, 134, 167 risk-taking events in, 243–44 Zen Center for Contemplative Care in, 251 See also Brooklyn New Yorker, The, 63 New York Times, The, 7, 11–16, 60, 62, 92, 148, 162, 235, 257 Night Heron, 243 90 percent rule, 149–52 Non-governmental organizations (NGOs), xii, 275 North Carolina, 115 University of, at Charlotte, 149 Obama, Barack, 38, 63, 89, 101–3 Obama, Michelle, 227 O’Donohue, John, 276 Ohio, 46 Olympics, 53 “On Children” (Sweet Honey in the Rock), 200 Onion, The, 57 Ono, Yoko, 63 Openings, 100, 172–91, 193, 197, 254, 278 connecting in, 181–91 honor and awe in, 178–81 priming for, 155–63, 220 problems to avoid in, 173–75, 178, 245–46, 270–71 sponsors in, 174–77, 246 ushering through thresholds into, 163–72, 277 Open Space Technology, 142 Opportunity Collaboration conference, 89–90 Ortmann, David M., 214–15 Otisfield (Maine), 262 Owen, Harrison, 142–43 Oxford University, 216 Pakistan, 262 Palais-Royal (Paris), 123 Palestine, 262 Panels, 85–86, 93, 189, 228, 255, 261 Panzano (Italy), 179 Parc de Bagatelle (Paris), 122–23 Paris, 122–23 Park Avenue Armory (New York), 166 Participatory theater, 162, 164 Parties, x, 66–69, 72–73, 86–87, 90–92, 96–97, 168–70, 199–200, 222 endings of, 248–50, 255–57, 279 holiday, 114, 152–53, 185–86, 260 logistics versus guests’ experience as focus of, 146–49 See also Birthday parties; Dance Parties; Dinner parties Parvin, Daniel, 48 Pasquier, François, 122 Passageways, 164–70, 185 Passover Principle, 19, 128, 157 Perel, Esther, 189 Performance art, xiv, 103, 165 Pergam, Andrew, 188–89 Personal Democracy Forum, 175–76 Peru, 235 Philadelphia, 171 Pignatelli, Luciana, 91 Pinterest, 8 Platon, 63–65 Plaza Hotel (New York), 91 Polynesia, French, 122 Pont des Arts (Paris), 123 Port-au-Prince, 125 Post, Emily, 226, 228 PowerPoints, xi “Praxis” facilitators, 143 Pregame, see Priming process Presidio (San Francisco), 67–68 Priming, 145–63, 170, 182, 240, 258 methods of, 94, 96, 150, 152–55, 194–201 by naming event,158–61 90 percent rule for, 149–52 social contract in, 155–58 to sustain interest, 161–63 Princeton University, 278 Psychological threshold, 169–71 Punchdrunk theater company, 148 Purpose, xi, 16–34, 71, 106, 111, 185, 194–96, 227 categories differentiated from, 2–4 in closings, 261, 264, 269, 275–77, 280 commitment to, 1, 16–21 controversy and, 40, 229–34 crafting, 21–27 decision making and, 31–32, 34, 49, 90, 111, 145 failure to achieve, 90, 102 generous versus ungenerous authority in realization of, 75, 77, 81, 85, 90, 102, 105 inclusions and exclusions determined by, 35–53 in openings, 175, 191 priming for, 154–55, 157, 160 problems due to lack of, 27–31 rules supporting, 121, 142–44, 205, 218 venues appropriate for, 53–69 Pussy Riot, 63 Putin, Vladimir, 63 Quakers, xiv Quora, 227 Racial issues, xii, 46, 48–49, 261 Rasiej, Andrew, 175 Reagan, Ronald, 115 Realness, see Authenticity Red Hook Community Justice Center, 4–8, 16, 21 Regent’s Park (London), 216–17 Renaissance Weekends, 260–62 Republicans, 49 Retreats, 29, 140, 267 Reunions, ix, 45, 58, 73, 215, 245, 267 Rhythm 0 (Abramović), 165 Rice, Condoleezza, 227 Rikyū, Sen no, 19 Ritualized gatherings, 8–16, 19, 40, 135, 157, 234–36, 279 openings of, 167, 182–85 See also Funerals; Weddings Rocky (movie), 230, 232 Royal Institute of International Affairs, 198 Roychowdhury, Sugata, 180 RSVPs, 114 Rules, 7, 41, 101, 112–45, 198, 203–5, 228 for addictive technology use, 131–33 for closings, 262, 280–81 for controversy, 230–31, 234–36, 240–41 etiquette versus, 118–22, 131, 140–42 for exclusion, 36, 40–41 at family gatherings, 217–20 generous authority and, 77–78, 81–82. 84–87, 92, 96 invitations including, 112–14, 122–28, 134–37, 216–17 priming for, 149–52 for venues, 65, 68 Russia, 63 Rutgers University, 227 Sanders, Bernie, “Future to Believe In” rally, 171–72 San Francisco, 67, 143 Saturday Night Live (television series), 177 Sawyer, Dave, 248 Schacht, Henry, 60 Schumer, Amy, 82 Scotland, 31 Seeds of Peace, 262–67 Seinfeld (television series), 16 Seinfeld, Jerry, 54 Sextantworks, 243 Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities (Ortmann), 214 Shakespeare, William, 148 SheKnows.com, 111 Shiva, xiii Singapore, 122, 125, 128, 258 Singing rule, 198, 218, 223 Size of gatherings, 45, 50–53, 69, 92–93, 98, 105, 123, 256, 260 See also 15 Toasts format Sleep No More (Barrett), 148 Slim, Randa, 149–51 Smith, Michael J., 249 Smith College, 227 Snapchat, 137 Snowden, Edward, 63 Social contract, 141, 155–58 Social Good cage fight, 234 Social Innovation and Civic Participation, Office of, 101–2 Social media, 234 Soloway, Jill, 183–85, 190 South Africa, 172, 202, 235 South Carolina, 202, 260 South Dakota, xi South by Southwest Conference, 99 Spark Camp, 52, 187–89 Spirituality, x, xi, 124, 250 Stanhope, John, 118 Star Wars (movie), 176–77 Star Wars: The Force Awakens (movie), 160–61 State of Enterprise Work survey, x State of Friendship in America 2013: A Crisis in Confidence, The, x Stewart, Elizabeth, 86–87 Stewart, Katie, 186 Stewart, Mamie Kanfer, 23 Stewart, Martha, 146–47, 158 Stockholm, 117 Strangers, 22, 76, 79, 88, 197, 237, 273 authenticity with, 207, 213, 215–17 rules on interactions with, 112, 126–27, 130, 138, 143, 203–4, 244 welcoming, 153, 168, 179 Supreme Court, 50 Sustained Dialogue, xii, 48–49, 51 Suu Kyi, Aung San, 63 Sweet Honey in the Rock, 200 Taboos, 234, 237, 239, 241, 244 Tahrir Square, 53, 63 Tamil tribes, 118 “Teach Your Children” (Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young), 200 TED conferences, 81, 83, 94, 259 Temporary alternative worlds, 111–44, 234, 249, 262, 267–69 examples of, 122–25, 133–44, 164–65 rules for, 112–122, 125–33 Ter Kuile, Casper, x Thailand, 140–43 Thanksgiving dinners, 24–25, 118 “Thanksgiving problem,” 234 Thank-yous, see Logistics Then She Fell (Third Rail Projects), 164, 165 Third Rail Projects, 164–65 Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia, The, 88 Thurston, Angie, x Thurston, Baratunde, 138–39, 169, 185–87, 259 Time magazine, 63 Time Out magazine, 129 Timothy Convention, 243–44 Tokyo, 125, 128–31 Toledo (Ohio), 18 Tough Mudder, 181–83 Town halls, ix, 4, 90, 174, 228 Transparent (television series), 183, 184 Treasury Department, U.S., 102 Tribes, 23, 53–54, 98, 118, 124–25, 169, 181 familial, 20, 38, 82 fusing, 181, 184–85, 262 rules for gatherings of, 124–25, 138 See also Connecting Trocadéro (Paris), 123 True North (George), 209 Trump, Donald, 63, 211 Tsao, Tai, 23 Tshifudi (South Africa), 235 Tweedmouth, Lord, 31 Uniqueness, 17–20, 25, 32, 157, 186 United Arab Emirates (UAE), 194–95 United Kingdom, 217, 236 United Nations, 63, 64 United States, 88, 92, 115, 148, 149, 154 funerals in, 251–52 philanthropy in, 246 Ushering, 163–72, 254, 256, 279 missed opportunities for, 171–72 psychological threshold of, 169–71 through passageways and doorways, 164–69 Vancouver, 94, 129 Varelas, Chris, 59–61 Venda tribe, 235 Venues, 13, 19, 53–69, 123–24, 166, 169–70, 174, 228 area of, 67–68 Château Principle of, 58–62 density in, 68–69 displacement in, 61–64 embodiment in, 55–57 perimeter of, 65–66 switching rooms in, 66–67 See also names of specific venues Vermont, 171 Virginia, xi, 114 University of, xii, 48–49, 249–50 Visioning Labs, 160, 189, 278–79 Vulnerability, 195–96, 200, 206–8, 211–13, 215, 223, 262 Waldorf Astoria Hotel, 244 Wall Street Journal, The, 60 Walt Disney Company, 160–61 Warncke, Stefanie Zoe, 214–15 Washington, D.C., 72, 88, 128–30, 149, 181, 208 Washington Post, The, 91, 276 Wassaic Project, 160 Waterloo (Iowa), 117 Weddings, ix, 8, 10, 11, 94, 140, 146, 168, 250, 257–58, 271 number of guests at, 52–53 purpose of, 19–21 rules for, 97–98, 113 Welcoming, 1, 43, 96, 103, 134, 170, 178, 245, 257–58 absence of, 75–76, 100 to dinner parties, 107, 153, 168, 198, 220–21 to closings, 250, 254, 264 purpose and, 17, 18, 205 Werewolf game, 73 WhatsApp, 251 White House Office of Public Engagement, 102 Office of Social Innovation and Civic Participation, 161 Wilkins, Topher, 89–90 Williams, Tim, 203 Winters, Ann Colvin, 115 Wisdump, 112 Woon, Wendy, 55–57, 62, 63 Workbooks, digital, 154–55, 238 Workshops, 4, 57, 67, 143, 159, 247 World Bank, 200 World Cup, 53 World Economic Forum (WEF), 194–201 Global Agenda Council on New Models of Leadership, 195–201 Wurman, Richard Saul, 81–82 Young Presidents’ Organization, 51 YouTube, 230 Zeldin, Theodore, 216–17 Zen Buddhism, 251 Zen Center for Contemplative Care, 251–54 Zimbabwe, xi, xii, 63 Zimmerman, Eric, 66 Zulu tribe, 183 About the Author © Mackenzie Stroh Priya Parker is the founder of Thrive Labs, at which she helps activists, elected officials, corporate executives, educators, and philanthropists create transformative gatherings.

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., 214–15 Otisfield (Maine), 262 Owen, Harrison, 142–43 Oxford University, 216 Pakistan, 262 Palais-Royal (Paris), 123 Palestine, 262 Panels, 85–86, 93, 189, 228, 255, 261 Panzano (Italy), 179 Parc de Bagatelle (Paris), 122–23 Paris, 122–23 Park Avenue Armory (New York), 166 Participatory theater, 162, 164 Parties, x, 66–69, 72–73, 86–87, 90–92, 96–97, 168–70, 199–200, 222 endings of, 248–50, 255–57, 279 holiday, 114, 152–53, 185–86, 260 logistics versus guests’ experience as focus of, 146–49 See also Birthday parties; Dance Parties; Dinner parties Parvin, Daniel, 48 Pasquier, François, 122 Passageways, 164–70, 185 Passover Principle, 19, 128, 157 Perel, Esther, 189 Performance art, xiv, 103, 165 Pergam, Andrew, 188–89 Personal Democracy Forum, 175–76 Peru, 235 Philadelphia, 171 Pignatelli, Luciana, 91 Pinterest, 8 Platon, 63–65 Plaza Hotel (New York), 91 Polynesia, French, 122 Pont des Arts (Paris), 123 Port-au-Prince, 125 Post, Emily, 226, 228 PowerPoints, xi “Praxis” facilitators, 143 Pregame, see Priming process Presidio (San Francisco), 67–68 Priming, 145–63, 170, 182, 240, 258 methods of, 94, 96, 150, 152–55, 194–201 by naming event,158–61 90 percent rule for, 149–52 social contract in, 155–58 to sustain interest, 161–63 Princeton University, 278 Psychological threshold, 169–71 Punchdrunk theater company, 148 Purpose, xi, 16–34, 71, 106, 111, 185, 194–96, 227 categories differentiated from, 2–4 in closings, 261, 264, 269, 275–77, 280 commitment to, 1, 16–21 controversy and, 40, 229–34 crafting, 21–27 decision making and, 31–32, 34, 49, 90, 111, 145 failure to achieve, 90, 102 generous versus ungenerous authority in realization of, 75, 77, 81, 85, 90, 102, 105 inclusions and exclusions determined by, 35–53 in openings, 175, 191 priming for, 154–55, 157, 160 problems due to lack of, 27–31 rules supporting, 121, 142–44, 205, 218 venues appropriate for, 53–69 Pussy Riot, 63 Putin, Vladimir, 63 Quakers, xiv Quora, 227 Racial issues, xii, 46, 48–49, 261 Rasiej, Andrew, 175 Reagan, Ronald, 115 Realness, see Authenticity Red Hook Community Justice Center, 4–8, 16, 21 Regent’s Park (London), 216–17 Renaissance Weekends, 260–62 Republicans, 49 Retreats, 29, 140, 267 Reunions, ix, 45, 58, 73, 215, 245, 267 Rhythm 0 (Abramović), 165 Rice, Condoleezza, 227 Rikyū, Sen no, 19 Ritualized gatherings, 8–16, 19, 40, 135, 157, 234–36, 279 openings of, 167, 182–85 See also Funerals; Weddings Rocky (movie), 230, 232 Royal Institute of International Affairs, 198 Roychowdhury, Sugata, 180 RSVPs, 114 Rules, 7, 41, 101, 112–45, 198, 203–5, 228 for addictive technology use, 131–33 for closings, 262, 280–81 for controversy, 230–31, 234–36, 240–41 etiquette versus, 118–22, 131, 140–42 for exclusion, 36, 40–41 at family gatherings, 217–20 generous authority and, 77–78, 81–82. 84–87, 92, 96 invitations including, 112–14, 122–28, 134–37, 216–17 priming for, 149–52 for venues, 65, 68 Russia, 63 Rutgers University, 227 Sanders, Bernie, “Future to Believe In” rally, 171–72 San Francisco, 67, 143 Saturday Night Live (television series), 177 Sawyer, Dave, 248 Schacht, Henry, 60 Schumer, Amy, 82 Scotland, 31 Seeds of Peace, 262–67 Seinfeld (television series), 16 Seinfeld, Jerry, 54 Sextantworks, 243 Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities (Ortmann), 214 Shakespeare, William, 148 SheKnows.com, 111 Shiva, xiii Singapore, 122, 125, 128, 258 Singing rule, 198, 218, 223 Size of gatherings, 45, 50–53, 69, 92–93, 98, 105, 123, 256, 260 See also 15 Toasts format Sleep No More (Barrett), 148 Slim, Randa, 149–51 Smith, Michael J., 249 Smith College, 227 Snapchat, 137 Snowden, Edward, 63 Social contract, 141, 155–58 Social Good cage fight, 234 Social Innovation and Civic Participation, Office of, 101–2 Social media, 234 Soloway, Jill, 183–85, 190 South Africa, 172, 202, 235 South Carolina, 202, 260 South Dakota, xi South by Southwest Conference, 99 Spark Camp, 52, 187–89 Spirituality, x, xi, 124, 250 Stanhope, John, 118 Star Wars (movie), 176–77 Star Wars: The Force Awakens (movie), 160–61 State of Enterprise Work survey, x State of Friendship in America 2013: A Crisis in Confidence, The, x Stewart, Elizabeth, 86–87 Stewart, Katie, 186 Stewart, Mamie Kanfer, 23 Stewart, Martha, 146–47, 158 Stockholm, 117 Strangers, 22, 76, 79, 88, 197, 237, 273 authenticity with, 207, 213, 215–17 rules on interactions with, 112, 126–27, 130, 138, 143, 203–4, 244 welcoming, 153, 168, 179 Supreme Court, 50 Sustained Dialogue, xii, 48–49, 51 Suu Kyi, Aung San, 63 Sweet Honey in the Rock, 200 Taboos, 234, 237, 239, 241, 244 Tahrir Square, 53, 63 Tamil tribes, 118 “Teach Your Children” (Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young), 200 TED conferences, 81, 83, 94, 259 Temporary alternative worlds, 111–44, 234, 249, 262, 267–69 examples of, 122–25, 133–44, 164–65 rules for, 112–122, 125–33 Ter Kuile, Casper, x Thailand, 140–43 Thanksgiving dinners, 24–25, 118 “Thanksgiving problem,” 234 Thank-yous, see Logistics Then She Fell (Third Rail Projects), 164, 165 Third Rail Projects, 164–65 Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia, The, 88 Thurston, Angie, x Thurston, Baratunde, 138–39, 169, 185–87, 259 Time magazine, 63 Time Out magazine, 129 Timothy Convention, 243–44 Tokyo, 125, 128–31 Toledo (Ohio), 18 Tough Mudder, 181–83 Town halls, ix, 4, 90, 174, 228 Transparent (television series), 183, 184 Treasury Department, U.S., 102 Tribes, 23, 53–54, 98, 118, 124–25, 169, 181 familial, 20, 38, 82 fusing, 181, 184–85, 262 rules for gatherings of, 124–25, 138 See also Connecting Trocadéro (Paris), 123 True North (George), 209 Trump, Donald, 63, 211 Tsao, Tai, 23 Tshifudi (South Africa), 235 Tweedmouth, Lord, 31 Uniqueness, 17–20, 25, 32, 157, 186 United Arab Emirates (UAE), 194–95 United Kingdom, 217, 236 United Nations, 63, 64 United States, 88, 92, 115, 148, 149, 154 funerals in, 251–52 philanthropy in, 246 Ushering, 163–72, 254, 256, 279 missed opportunities for, 171–72 psychological threshold of, 169–71 through passageways and doorways, 164–69 Vancouver, 94, 129 Varelas, Chris, 59–61 Venda tribe, 235 Venues, 13, 19, 53–69, 123–24, 166, 169–70, 174, 228 area of, 67–68 Château Principle of, 58–62 density in, 68–69 displacement in, 61–64 embodiment in, 55–57 perimeter of, 65–66 switching rooms in, 66–67 See also names of specific venues Vermont, 171 Virginia, xi, 114 University of, xii, 48–49, 249–50 Visioning Labs, 160, 189, 278–79 Vulnerability, 195–96, 200, 206–8, 211–13, 215, 223, 262 Waldorf Astoria Hotel, 244 Wall Street Journal, The, 60 Walt Disney Company, 160–61 Warncke, Stefanie Zoe, 214–15 Washington, D.C., 72, 88, 128–30, 149, 181, 208 Washington Post, The, 91, 276 Wassaic Project, 160 Waterloo (Iowa), 117 Weddings, ix, 8, 10, 11, 94, 140, 146, 168, 250, 257–58, 271 number of guests at, 52–53 purpose of, 19–21 rules for, 97–98, 113 Welcoming, 1, 43, 96, 103, 134, 170, 178, 245, 257–58 absence of, 75–76, 100 to dinner parties, 107, 153, 168, 198, 220–21 to closings, 250, 254, 264 purpose and, 17, 18, 205 Werewolf game, 73 WhatsApp, 251 White House Office of Public Engagement, 102 Office of Social Innovation and Civic Participation, 161 Wilkins, Topher, 89–90 Williams, Tim, 203 Winters, Ann Colvin, 115 Wisdump, 112 Woon, Wendy, 55–57, 62, 63 Workbooks, digital, 154–55, 238 Workshops, 4, 57, 67, 143, 159, 247 World Bank, 200 World Cup, 53 World Economic Forum (WEF), 194–201 Global Agenda Council on New Models of Leadership, 195–201 Wurman, Richard Saul, 81–82 Young Presidents’ Organization, 51 YouTube, 230 Zeldin, Theodore, 216–17 Zen Buddhism, 251 Zen Center for Contemplative Care, 251–54 Zimbabwe, xi, xii, 63 Zimmerman, Eric, 66 Zulu tribe, 183 About the Author © Mackenzie Stroh Priya Parker is the founder of Thrive Labs, at which she helps activists, elected officials, corporate executives, educators, and philanthropists create transformative gatherings.

Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown

90 percent rule, Albert Einstein, Clayton Christensen, Daniel Kahneman / Amos Tversky, David Sedaris, deliberate practice, double helix, en.wikipedia.org, endowment effect, impact investing, Isaac Newton, iterative process, Jeff Bezos, Lao Tzu, lateral thinking, loss aversion, low cost airline, Mahatma Gandhi, microcredit, minimum viable product, Nelson Mandela, North Sea oil, Peter Thiel, power law, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Richard Thaler, Rosa Parks, Salesforce, Shai Danziger, side project, Silicon Valley, Silicon Valley startup, sovereign wealth fund, Stanford prison experiment, Steve Jobs, TED Talk, Vilfredo Pareto

The closet becomes cluttered with clothes we rarely wear. But if we ask, “Do I absolutely love this?” then we will be able to eliminate the clutter and have space for something better. We can do the same with other choices—whether big or small, significant or trivial—in every area of our lives. The 90 Percent Rule Recently, a colleague and I were working to select twenty-four people from a pool of almost one hundred applicants to our “Design Your Life, Essentially” class. First, we identified a set of minimum criteria such as “Can attend every class.” Then we settled on a set of ideal attributes like “Is ready for a life-changing experience.”

…

I was then given the unenviable task of evaluating the in-between candidates: the 7s and 8s. As I struggled to determine which of these candidates would be good enough, I had the thought: if something (or in this case someone) is just or almost good enough—that is, a 7 or an 8—then the answer should be a no. It was so liberating. You can think of this as the 90 Percent Rule, and it’s one you can apply to just about every decision or dilemma. As you evaluate an option, think about the single most important criterion for that decision, and then simply give the option a score between 0 and 100. If you rate it any lower than 90 percent, then automatically change the rating to 0 and simply reject it.

Rethinking Money: How New Currencies Turn Scarcity Into Prosperity by Bernard Lietaer, Jacqui Dunne

3D printing, 90 percent rule, agricultural Revolution, Albert Einstein, Asian financial crisis, banking crisis, Berlin Wall, BRICs, business climate, business cycle, business process, butterfly effect, carbon credits, carbon footprint, Carmen Reinhart, clockwork universe, collapse of Lehman Brothers, complexity theory, conceptual framework, credit crunch, different worldview, discounted cash flows, en.wikipedia.org, Fall of the Berlin Wall, fear of failure, fiat currency, financial innovation, Fractional reserve banking, full employment, German hyperinflation, Glass-Steagall Act, happiness index / gross national happiness, holacracy, job satisfaction, John Perry Barlow, liberation theology, low interest rates, Marshall McLuhan, microcredit, mobile money, Money creation, money: store of value / unit of account / medium of exchange, more computing power than Apollo, new economy, Occupy movement, price stability, reserve currency, Silicon Valley, systems thinking, the payments system, too big to fail, transaction costs, trickle-down economics, urban decay, War on Poverty, working poor

Changing that percentage is one of the techniques whereby the Federal Reserve controls the quantities of credit money the banks will be able to create. The exact percentages also vary with the kind of deposit made: The longer the term of the deposit, the lower the percentage of “reserves” required. The 90 percent rule of this example, enabling a “multiplier” of about nine to one, is an illustrative average. 2. Emeka Chiakwelu, “Nigeria Payment of Foreign Debt: The Largest Transfer of Wealth in Modern Time,” Africa Political and Economic Strategic Center (Afripol). www.afripol.org. 3. Anup Shah, “Poverty Facts and Stats,” Global Issues, September 20, 2010. www.globalissues.org /article/26/poverty-facts-and-stats#src22.

Prisoner's Dilemma: John Von Neumann, Game Theory, and the Puzzle of the Bomb by William Poundstone

90 percent rule, Albert Einstein, anti-communist, cuban missile crisis, Douglas Hofstadter, Dr. Strangelove, Frank Gehry, From Mathematics to the Technologies of Life and Death, Herman Kahn, Jacquard loom, John Nash: game theory, John von Neumann, Kenneth Arrow, means of production, Monroe Doctrine, mutually assured destruction, Nash equilibrium, Norbert Wiener, RAND corporation, Richard Feynman, seminal paper, statistical model, the market place, zero-sum game

This strategy is like TIT FOR TAT except that it retaliates for a defection with a probability of 90 percent. Occasionally it lets a defection go by unpunished. This defuses echo effects. Defections volley back and forth like the ball in a Ping-Pong game until one strategy misses a defection because of the 90 percent rule. Then both return to mutual cooperation. A strategy like 90 PERCENT TIT FOR TAT is useful in an uncertain environment—one where information about the other player’s moves is garbled. The more reliable the information is, the higher the probability of retaliation should be set. ARTIFICIAL SELECTION The most thought-provoking of Axelrod’s computer experiments was the third.

Not Working: Where Have All the Good Jobs Gone? by David G. Blanchflower

90 percent rule, active measures, affirmative action, Affordable Care Act / Obamacare, Albert Einstein, bank run, banking crisis, basic income, Bear Stearns, behavioural economics, Berlin Wall, Bernie Madoff, Bernie Sanders, Black Lives Matter, Black Swan, Boris Johnson, Brexit referendum, business cycle, Capital in the Twenty-First Century by Thomas Piketty, Carmen Reinhart, Clapham omnibus, collective bargaining, correlation does not imply causation, credit crunch, declining real wages, deindustrialization, Donald Trump, driverless car, estate planning, fake news, Fall of the Berlin Wall, full employment, George Akerlof, gig economy, Gini coefficient, Growth in a Time of Debt, high-speed rail, illegal immigration, income inequality, independent contractor, indoor plumbing, inflation targeting, Jeremy Corbyn, job satisfaction, John Bercow, Kenneth Rogoff, labor-force participation, liquidationism / Banker’s doctrine / the Treasury view, longitudinal study, low interest rates, low skilled workers, manufacturing employment, Mark Zuckerberg, market clearing, Martin Wolf, mass incarceration, meta-analysis, moral hazard, Nate Silver, negative equity, new economy, Northern Rock, obamacare, oil shock, open borders, opioid epidemic / opioid crisis, Own Your Own Home, p-value, Panamax, pension reform, Phillips curve, plutocrats, post-materialism, price stability, prisoner's dilemma, quantitative easing, rent control, Richard Thaler, Robert Shiller, Ronald Coase, selection bias, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI), Silicon Valley, South Sea Bubble, The Theory of the Leisure Class by Thorstein Veblen, Thorstein Veblen, trade liberalization, universal basic income, University of East Anglia, urban planning, working poor, working-age population, yield curve

The big hangup with the size of the debt makes no sense as every nation has both assets and liabilities. Plus, in 2018 and beyond money can be borrowed very cheaply. It matters mostly what the debt is used for, rather than its size. We also know that countries with high debt-to-GDP ratios can grow and the 90 percent rule has been debunked by Thomas Herndon. Consumption bad, investment good. There are many worthwhile projects that can be started, not least roads and bridges and public transportation. It is time to get commuting times down which, if it does nothing else, would increase happiness. It would also raise GDP of course.

The Economists' Hour: How the False Prophets of Free Markets Fractured Our Society by Binyamin Appelbaum

90 percent rule, airline deregulation, Alan Greenspan, Alvin Roth, Andrei Shleifer, anti-communist, battle of ideas, Benoit Mandelbrot, Big bang: deregulation of the City of London, Bretton Woods, British Empire, business cycle, capital controls, Carmen Reinhart, Cass Sunstein, Celtic Tiger, central bank independence, clean water, collective bargaining, Corn Laws, correlation does not imply causation, Credit Default Swap, currency manipulation / currency intervention, David Ricardo: comparative advantage, deindustrialization, Deng Xiaoping, desegregation, Diane Coyle, Donald Trump, Dr. Strangelove, ending welfare as we know it, financial deregulation, financial engineering, financial innovation, fixed income, flag carrier, floating exchange rates, full employment, George Akerlof, George Gilder, Gini coefficient, greed is good, Greenspan put, Growth in a Time of Debt, Ida Tarbell, income inequality, income per capita, index fund, inflation targeting, invisible hand, Isaac Newton, It's morning again in America, Jean Tirole, John Markoff, Kenneth Arrow, Kenneth Rogoff, land reform, Les Trente Glorieuses, long and variable lags, Long Term Capital Management, low cost airline, low interest rates, manufacturing employment, means of production, Menlo Park, minimum wage unemployment, Mohammed Bouazizi, money market fund, Mont Pelerin Society, Network effects, new economy, Nixon triggered the end of the Bretton Woods system, oil shock, Paul Samuelson, Philip Mirowski, Phillips curve, plutocrats, precautionary principle, price stability, profit motive, public intellectual, Ralph Nader, RAND corporation, rent control, rent-seeking, Richard Thaler, road to serfdom, Robert Bork, Robert Gordon, Robert Solow, Ronald Coase, Ronald Reagan, Sam Peltzman, Savings and loan crisis, Silicon Valley, Simon Kuznets, starchitect, Steve Bannon, Steve Jobs, supply-chain management, The Chicago School, The Great Moderation, The Myth of the Rational Market, The Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith, Thomas Kuhn: the structure of scientific revolutions, transaction costs, trickle-down economics, ultimatum game, Unsafe at Any Speed, urban renewal, War on Poverty, Washington Consensus, We are all Keynesians now

The Italian economists Alberto Alesina and Silvia Ardagna published a study in October 2009 that said governments could spur economic growth by reducing budget deficits — in other words, by spending less money rather than more.6 A few months later, in January 2010, the American economists Carmen Reinhart and Kenneth Rogoff published a paper purporting to identify a kind of red line for government borrowing: they said that when debts exceeded 90 percent of a nation’s annual economic output, growth declined.7 The European Commission’s head of economic and monetary affairs, Olli Rehn, started talking about a “90-percent rule.” The chief economist of the International Monetary Fund called the 90 percent threshold “a good reference point.” Reinhart and Rogoff had made an important mistake in their math, but it took a few years before someone caught it.8 Meanwhile, the Keynesian moment quickly faded. In the United States, Obama made a sharp turn toward austerity in January 2010, just one year after his inauguration, promising to freeze nonmilitary discretionary spending.

The Power Law: Venture Capital and the Making of the New Future by Sebastian Mallaby

"Susan Fowler" uber, 23andMe, 90 percent rule, Adam Neumann (WeWork), adjacent possible, Airbnb, Apple II, barriers to entry, Ben Horowitz, Benchmark Capital, Big Tech, bike sharing, Black Lives Matter, Blitzscaling, Bob Noyce, book value, business process, charter city, Chuck Templeton: OpenTable:, Clayton Christensen, clean tech, cloud computing, cognitive bias, collapse of Lehman Brothers, Colonization of Mars, computer vision, coronavirus, corporate governance, COVID-19, cryptocurrency, deal flow, Didi Chuxing, digital map, discounted cash flows, disruptive innovation, Donald Trump, Douglas Engelbart, driverless car, Dutch auction, Dynabook, Elon Musk, Fairchild Semiconductor, fake news, family office, financial engineering, future of work, game design, George Gilder, Greyball, guns versus butter model, Hacker Ethic, Henry Singleton, hiring and firing, Hyperloop, income inequality, industrial cluster, intangible asset, iterative process, Jeff Bezos, John Markoff, junk bonds, Kickstarter, knowledge economy, lateral thinking, liberal capitalism, Louis Pasteur, low interest rates, Lyft, Marc Andreessen, Mark Zuckerberg, market bubble, Marshall McLuhan, Mary Meeker, Masayoshi Son, Max Levchin, Metcalfe’s law, Michael Milken, microdosing, military-industrial complex, Mitch Kapor, mortgage debt, move fast and break things, Network effects, oil shock, PalmPilot, pattern recognition, Paul Graham, paypal mafia, Peter Thiel, plant based meat, plutocrats, power law, pre–internet, price mechanism, price stability, proprietary trading, prudent man rule, quantitative easing, radical decentralization, Recombinant DNA, remote working, ride hailing / ride sharing, risk tolerance, risk/return, Robert Metcalfe, ROLM, rolodex, Ronald Coase, Salesforce, Sam Altman, Sand Hill Road, self-driving car, shareholder value, side project, Silicon Valley, Silicon Valley startup, Skype, smart grid, SoftBank, software is eating the world, sovereign wealth fund, Startup school, Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, Steven Levy, super pumped, superconnector, survivorship bias, tech worker, Teledyne, the long tail, the new new thing, the strength of weak ties, TikTok, Travis Kalanick, two and twenty, Uber and Lyft, Uber for X, uber lyft, urban decay, UUNET, vertical integration, Vilfredo Pareto, Vision Fund, wealth creators, WeWork, William Shockley: the traitorous eight, Y Combinator, Zenefits

Starting a company is an isolating experience—founders invest life and soul into niche projects that, at least at the outset, strike most people as quixotic—so entrepreneurs can’t help warming to investors who appreciate their plans: who “get it.” Accel partners aimed to comprehend entrepreneurs so thoroughly that they could complete their sentences and predict the next slide in their pitches. They spoke internally of the “90 percent rule.” An Accel investor should know 90 percent of what founders are going to say before they open their mouths to say it.[18] Accel’s specialist approach made it particularly adept at identifying what venture capitalists call “adjacent possibilities.” By embedding themselves in their respective sectors, sitting on boards of portfolio companies, and blending their direct observations with management-consultant-style analyses, Accel partners could anticipate the next logical advance in a technology.